OnlyOneProblem

I’m sure my story begins long before I was even aware that I had a problem. After 12 years of the single life, I decided I was ready for a full time relationship. My, son was living with his father and my daughter in college. I met a wonderful man. He made me laugh, we moved in together. I quit my 2nd job, which I had worked at for 10 years. We spent hours talking, traveling and enjoying life. We drank wine together. He was retired. I was still working. We married. He drank everyday. I did not. I never thought much about it, until the merry-go-round wouldn’t stop.

You don’t know what is happening to you when you are on that merry-go-round. It’s going around so fast that you never get the chance to get off. Everything is blurred.

At the beginning of the relationship with my husband, my son was in and out of trouble - drugs, alcohol, lawyers, jail, prison, probation. So when the subject of alcoholism came up in my relationship with my husband, he denied that he had a problem. He states he has never been in trouble with the law, never had a DUI, doesn’t drink until 4:00pm, is financially secure and whatever problems we were having didn’t have anything to do with alcohol. We are both stubborn. The fighting would often last several days leaving me mentally exhausted trying to get him to see the “ problem”. He never knew what I was talking about. It would be years before I understood what the real problem was.

My best friend could see. She knew. I never knew when the rug would be pulled out from under me. It always took me by surprise. She recommended that I attend Al-Anon. I began to read about alcoholism and found this forum. I remember telling her that I didn’t want to go to an Al-Anon meeting because everyone got divorced and I didn’t want that. She still encouraged me. I was scared to go to a meeting. I would sit in my car and watch everyone go in. I went to 2 meetings. I saw a woman from one of those meetings at church one day and she said she thought she knew me from somewhere. My heart began to race and I did not return to Al-Anon. Whenever the drama started, I would spend hours here at Sober Recovery, reading in disbelief the stories that so many of us share.

I tried to join the forum at the time but was never successful getting the link sent to my email address. I continued to read. I went to counseling. I enjoyed the good times but I wasn’t happy about the bad times. I continued to fight for the type of relationship I wanted. I slowly began to see what alcohol was doing to my life. We fought over so many stupid things. Mostly it was his alcoholic voice telling him that he was the victim. He would treat me indifferent and I would call him on his behavior and we would end up fighting. I would have to pull it out of him to find out what was wrong. He would never validate my feelings. His negativity and judgment of everyone drives me crazy. I ask him frequently, if he was on a first date with me would he act this way. Everyone thinks he is a great guy. I have told him he gives more respect to the neighbors than to me.

I do not mention quitting drinking to him. Haven't in a long time. It makes him more hostile and difficult. It is not my business – it is his. I don’t threaten our relationship, although he does with every conflict. I’m a straight shooter. I say what I mean and I mean what I say, so I am careful not to say something I am not willing to follow through with.

I was no longer working, however it seemed like I had less time for myself. I was exhausted. I suffered from migraine headaches. My life had become unmanageable. A few years ago after a miserable Thanksgiving and Christmas He had a fall and hit his head, which led to a trip to the ER with 12 stitches. I refused to go with him on a scheduled vacation the next day and he went alone. He quit drinking when he returned home. I started taking classes at the college. Doing something for myself was empowering.

He quit drinking from January until May. He became resentful, thought he wasn’t having fun like he used to so he began to drink again. My grandson was born in August and my son moved back to town in September. When I was criticized, by both my son and husband, for spending too much time supporting my daughter, when her newborn was hospitalized with a Failure to Thrive diagnosis, I decided that I had enough.

For a couple months we lived in the same house but lived separate lives. My motto was: You do what you need to do for you and I will do what I need to do for me. I let him know that it no longer mattered to me if he didn’t understand how I felt. I didn’t need his validation. He hired an attorney and prepared papers. I didn’t engage. I had a consult with an attorney for my piece of mind and confidence. He put the divorce on hold for the holidays. I continued on with my separate life. He continued to drink. He spent the holidays out of town with his family and I spent it with my family and grandson. He returned home and quit drinking the next day. He read the AA book, but still didn’t feel it applied to him.

Life was drama free and we enjoyed many happy times. Nine months later we were out of town visiting relatives (80 something year old non alcoholics) and went to their favorite bar/restaurant with them and he said yes to a glass of wine.

It doesn’t take long to fall back into the old habits. We struggled for the remainder of the year. I wasn’t mentally prepared to call it quits at that point. We had many things planned for the coming year so I suggested, “we get through the year”. We roller-coasted through the year. As the year began to come to a close I would take the opportunity during times of conflict to say that we were just going to get to the end of the year. The holidays brought their usual turmoil, reinforcing my need to address the next step.

My physical health has suffered as well as my mental health. Not ready to throw in the towel, but also knowing if nothing changes, nothing changes, I have made a commitment to myself to attend a weekly Al-Anon meeting. After attending the first meeting I told my husband what I was doing. That stirred up some trouble, but also empowered me to be able to detach and let him know if he doesn’t “get it” (what the problem is) he never will and maybe we should move on. The next day I received a note saying “HE GETS IT”. He knows what his problem is. He wants to talk as soon as possible. I said I would listen, but I’m not talking anymore. He says It’s been a problem his whole life. He gets an attitude, if he thinks I’m trying to control him. He knows I’m not, but it is his fear and so he believes it to be true. And since he knows the problem, he can fix it. My response: Great, then it will be a good day.

An amazing thing has happened. I am not fooled for a minute. He drinks. He will be on his best behavior for a little while. He went to bed at 10:00pm for a week, knowing that if he’s sleeping he isn’t appearing drunk to me and saying stupid stuff.
He is the same person. The same problems will come around again. He hasn’t changed – but I have. I don’t know what is around the corner. What I do know is that I have a choice.

It has been a long road, these past 10 years, with both my son and my husband. I’m grateful to Sober Recovery for this forum and everyone who posts, not only the responses and advice, but also the heartbreaking stories that take so much courage to tell. Thank you also to Al-Anon. I don’t know how it works, but it works!