To add to that...when I questioned him further, he said (to me)- you don't like yourself right now, you need to figure that out. I don't like myself right now, I'm working on figuring that out. To which I replied...I do like myself. He said...no you don't.
Ok, I'm pretty sure I like myself. I don't have a great self esteem, but I think I'm smart, nice, funny, a good friend, a good mother. This is despite the fact that he told me I was NOT all of the things for the past several years while he was actively drinking. I took everything he said with a grain of salt after awhile and didn't let it affect me.
Do I like how I treated him while he was drinking? No, of course not. Do I like a lot of the things I have said and done? No. I can't change the past. I want to change the future. I want to be the best me I can be. Mother, wife, friend, member of society, etc. Isn't the way to do that...just wake up everyday and be my best? What is it that I'm supposed to figure out? It's very frustrating.