Hi wino. Well, that's exactly why I had to give it up all together. I had too many sessions like the one you described. Every time I picked up it led me to feeling that way. The only answer was to stop completely and not pretend willpower would save me from going on a binge.
I agree with you that every relapse feels worse. We are worn down and damaged from it. We're making ourselves sicker every time we pick up. I hope you'll decide to put an end to these miserable days. Glad you posted - and that you're not giving up.