Struggling tonight
Tonight is hard and I'm struggling a bit. I am having a problem with remembering the past "good" remembering most everything about him. It is physically difficult to not talk to him or go see him. He contacted me today from a number I didn't know begging to see me. I found it painful to not reply, I had to take two cold showers it was awful. His words are like snakes dipped in gold. I know they're pretty but they're toxic.
He text me again from a number and basically asked for sex. Saying he would basically pay me, which I think might be a joke but it was a blow to the gut. That helped me snap put of it a little. Why the hell not all the way?
I read some codependent no more and did some work.
My actual heart hurts, its painful all through my body like a can feel a withdraw. I just wish I didn't feel it. I'm learning to let go, it's starting. Maybe soon it'll happen for me.
Part of me wishes for him to clean up and find me, another part wants to hide in a cave. :/ what a mess. He had his friend tell me that he made a plan and that he was planning on going to meetings. I was upset when his friend told me that because it made my self hopeful. It triggered this whole thing. I didn't reply.
I got another text that said he wanted to go to al anon with me...I didn't reply.
How long will this feeling last? I will change my number if it keeps up but for now I am keeping it because I am looking for a different job and I'd prefer not to contact them all with a good number. That's beside the point.
I'm obviously rambling, I just wanted to reach out because I'm having a really rough time is all. :/
:ghug3