Hi Gravel. Glad you came here to talk about what happened.
I did the same sort of thing for years. Kept insisting drinking could be fun if I just used willpower to control it. Tried to bring back the fun times, before it began destroying my life. There was no going back, though. Once the line is crossed from social to alcoholic drinking you have no choice but to stop all together. Dangerous and unpredictable things will happen each time we pick up. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you'll remember how you feel today - not to hang your head in shame, but to learn from it and try again. We know you can do it.