Thanks all.
These last few months or so I have worked diligently to figure out a way to be able to handle my alcohol like so called 'normal drinkers.' On paper I know what I would have to do, that is limit the intake to a few then stop. But in reality it owns me and it dictates to me how many I drink with that lovely euforia.
So I'm drunk and in a good mood(figuratively speaking). Now I have to figure a way to stay in the good mood. But eventually I have no control over my mood and don't even realize what is exactly happening. BOOM disaster strikes usually from me assuming someone meant something they never did. Depression and loneliness set in and my automatic knee jerk protection circuits kick in to protect my vulnerability. So I become often a belligerent drunk using insults to make me feel independent of the need for anyone.
I do have to do this for myself. I remember a month or so ago here I said i was going to do it for my girlfriend. After a month of sobriety I decided to go drinking because I wasn't going to let nobody dictate my life. I got tired of having that feeling like someone was watching me and i had to do something for someone. So to all the people who said you need to do it for yourself you was right.
But then there is the discussion of how can I make a fool of myself, repent of all my drinking and shake my head in shame, and then a month later do it all over again. This I have no answer for. Unfortunately shame and embarrassment come with the territory. You mess with fire long enough you will get burned.
Have a good night