Originally Posted by
LexieCat 
How many success stories are there in non-alcoholic marriages these days? I mean the image we all have of "happily ever after."
Alcoholism is a huge obstacle, but so are cancer, mental illness, personality clashes, infidelity, the serious illness of a child or aging parent. Sometimes even when both partners are trying very hard the marriage fails. We are human and imperfect. We are all sometimes selfish and difficult.
I'd put my divorce from my recovered alcoholic up against many people's "intact" marriages. We treat each other well, respect each other, are fair with each other. Recovery is what makes that possible. It still comes down to individuals, though. Not every recovering/recovered alcoholic is going to be someone who is a good partner. And not every partner can let go of the damage caused by living with alcoholism.
I totally agree with this. I think it's one of those questions without an answer because the truth is that even after my spouse chose recovery, there is no guarantee in life that he will never relapse. That's the reality I have to live with & consider. I can't possibly know what my reaction will fully be at the point if he were to relapse. In some ways I feel like the longer he goes without relapsing, the harder it will be if he does because it also means a longer period of my rebuilt trust destroyed. Will the details of the relapse matter? If he slips & has 1 beer, 1 day will I somehow find that more acceptable than if he went on a bender that lasted many months? But then, destoyed trust is destroyed trust & to what degree may not matter. If relapse occurs, will he even choose sobriety again?
But most importantly, if this fictional relapse comes about, where will I be in MY recovery process? I have to believe that if he were to relapse at this point, my reaction would be different now based on my growth/changes over this time as well. I can't control whether he chooses to drink, but I can control my reaction to it as well as the boundaries for what I find acceptable.
I also agree with:
Originally Posted by Florence
So I think this is a really complicated question to ask. What's the end point that defines success, and what does it cost for everyone involved?
So I can say this: Yes,
right now, my partner has chosen recovery & we have been able to work hard to stay together & salvage our marriage because we were both willing to work hard at it & still valued & loved each other despite all the BS. SO FAR ..... he has only been sober for 18 months. I cannot know what tomorrow or next year bring... but SO FAR, we are making it work & rebuilding.