RobbyRobot

Hi Nands,

Yeah, fear of whatever is not enough to stop me from doing whatever. Fear alone is simply not enough. Fear is a mind-killer, and fears can be accepted, understood, and nullified. Fear of death no less either if one puts their mind to getting on top of it.

When I say I would never have quit without death facing me, I wasn't simply meaning physical death, but more my insides dying, my mind, and the me that was me. I quit at age 24, and I didn't have physical concerns from alcoholism like liver / kidneys / stomach or whatever. My psyche though was completely burnt out and abused. At 20 I was in a three day lockup in the mental hospital because of suicidal actions taken and what I was threatening to do with my life. At the time I was diagnosed with undifferentiated schizophrenia and I was refusing treatment. I was messed up bad - psychotic - and I still didn't quit drinking for another 4 years.

So yeah, sadly enough, I can relate with what you're saying, no problem... I too didn't care enough to care either way back in those using days.

After that lockup, I put to rest any ideas that I was going to be okay. I then knew it was finally over for me, my life I mean, because I wasn't going to stop, and I wasn't taking any treatment they offered. It was a very lonely bare-bones 'existential time' for me the next four years until I quit. I read-up on Kierkegaard and Nietzsche a lot - two outstanding philosophers who were fundamental to the existentialist movement - and I'm forever changed by my interpretations of their brilliant writings. Like I'm saying, fear of dying is simply not enough to make a life from, and probably such a life wouldn't be worth living anyways. Cowards die a thousand times having never lived once kinda thing.

So, putting fear aside, I still needed to know my death was certain before I could care enough to want to live.

There are tons of details I'm not going into in this post, so suffice it for me to say I never really recovered from my suicidal ideations during the remainder of those last four years of my abusing alcohol. I didn't at all become less psychotic over the next four years is what I'm saying...

When I finally did quit, age 24, I was already very dead inside, if you can follow me. Yeah, physically I was there sure, whatever, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I was 'elsewhere'... I'm sure you can relate, Nands.

So for me, I really needed to have existed 'elsewhere' for me to be able to care enough about 'coming back to reality' in the here-and-now. I really needed to know there are worse things then physical death for me to care enough about living.

When I finally quit I didn't care about being 'sober' at all, and I didn't care how it would work, and I didn't care about being detoxed, and the residential care, and the program. All I cared about was in not being 'elsewhere' any more. I didn't want to die anymore. I didn't want to die drunk anymore.

Strangely, even though I didn't want to die drunk anymore, I still wanted to drink nonetheless. Addiction ambivalence paradox. Even today looking back 31 years, it still gives me a singular moment of eternal darkness and surety that I was totally lost and on the razor edge of simply never ever coming back to the real world. What a long, strange trip its been coming back.

Gratitude is absolutely a cornerstone of my recovered life.

Absolutely Nands, you'll be okay without alcohol / drugs / whatever. You'll be different, no way you'll be whatever you were, but you'll be okay too, and so that has always been good enough for me to stay sober through good times or bad, no matter, I'll never drink alcohol again, I'll never be drunk again, and I'll never change my mind.

Thanks, (((Nands)))

:ghug3