Kale, I totally understand the higher power and steps thing. I am an agnostic with Buddhist and Taoist leanings.
For me my higher power is Not Me, meaning my ego. Whether it is God, intuitive awareness, Buddha Nature it doesn't matter. I just have to let go of letting my ego drive my behaviors. I can't think my way out of this since it was my best thinking that got me here.
I work the steps but not with a sponsor, I have serious issues with what I perceive to be authority figures. If you look online you can find different versions of the steps that are written from an atheist/agnostic perspective.
I have found Alanon to be a huge help. Being around people who understand is awesome. It is so good to know you are not alone. It is a great way to break the isolation and to learn that secrets are just another form of manipulation.
I really like Lexie's advice. His secrets are his, you don't have to either confirm or deny.
I also agree that the violence is something to be concerned about.
Your friend,