Thanks for sharing your story. I can certainly relate to much of what you said, and while it might be hard to share what you're going through, it's certainly helpful in putting it out there and not keeping it to yourself. We alcoholics (welcome
) are great at bottling things up, aren't we? Your first and biggest clue to this whole thing is the one I had - once I pick up, I can't stop. Period. Never has there been a time where I put the drink down and say "Nah, no more. I'm good right now." It's the disease of more for me. And there is no way that I could moderate - I had turned that corner and there was no turning back.
I don't need to escape anything, I just like the buzz. It dawned on me this morning, during my rock bottom, that the buzz is more powerful than I am. Is this what people mean when they say they are powerless over alcohol?
Good way of putting it, the powerlessness. I know that for me, I couldn't not drink. I didn't see any other way to spend my waking moments that having something in me, to just get through the day.
But to your point of not needing to escape anything. Are you sure of that? I used alcohol to escape and
feel. I was dead inside, and alcohol let me feel like a normal person for just a little time. I could feel what it was like to have a moment of joy. A moment, though. I could cry, I could feel something. Anything. It was like I stepped out of the coffin and walked around the block into the light. But it didn't last long before I felt dead inside again. The search for something that took me outside of me was all I wanted and I found it in alcohol. So it wasn't necessarily all about escaping from the real world, but escape from myself.
Are you looking towards any program of recovery? this feeling you have right now might fade, like that DUI. Getting into something now might serve you better than waiting a while.
Thanks again for sharing.