gleefan

I am taking a big step today. Today is the day that I am choosing to stop drinking.

It all started innocently enough, as a way to go to a happy place, to take a break from the stress and struggle of raising two young children, to deal with the boredom of being home all the time. It's turned into passing out, blacking out, and fighting with my husband over the way I behave when I'm drunk. I've had a DUI arrest which publicly embarrassed me, but convinced me to slow down for a while, but the fact is - and always has been, my whole life - that after I take the first drink, I can't stop.

Waking up this morning was my bottom. I had a pretty uncomfortable hang over. My 8 year old told me that he was sorry for getting me in trouble with Daddy. He pieced together last night's events for me: I passed out in my 6 year old's bed last night and my 8 year old got mad that I didn't go to HIS room, and got my husband involved. I don't know what happened next - I'm guessing that my husband and I got into an argument because when he woke up for work this morning he wasn't talking to me. It's a cycle that keeps repeating itself. I want to be a better role model for my children. I want to be a kinder, gentler wife.

I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I know that's a cliche, but it's true. I'm tired of having hangovers. What ends up happening is I have a hangover, then in a day or two when I feel better, I drink again, and end up with another hang over, and so on. I've told myself that I'm going to stop drinking, but never ever followed through. (I'm the same way with diets!)

I know better than to have been drinking the way that I do. I come from a long line of alcoholics. I've watched aunts, uncles and cousins battle addiction and go through recovery. I've read magazine articles, seen TV specials, and participated in awareness programs about drugs and alcohol addiction.

I have a very good life. My career is one that I enjoy and find meaningful. My children are active and healthy. I have a couple of true deep friends, as well as lots of social acquaintences. My husband is hard working and we communicate very well with each other.

I don't need to escape anything, I just like the buzz. It dawned on me this morning, during my rock bottom, that the buzz is more powerful than I am. Is this what people mean when they say they are powerless over alcohol?

I'm afraid to share my admission of alcoholism with even my couple of best friends and parents. The word scares me. I am going to use that word to describe myself when I talk to my husband later on when he gets home from work, though, and I tell him about my plans to stop drinking.

I feel like I can do this, I want a better life.

Thanks for letting me share my story.