Ending the madness
"I won't drink..."
"Maybe the bar will have something non-alcoholic, or I'll just get club soda with a lime..."
"Oh, well... I'll have one, but JUST ONE... whatever the lightest beer they have is..."
Next thing I know, I've been to 3 bars, had 10 beers, and am doing shots of vodka.
Then I drive to a party and drink more.
I wake up at 2PM and see I have 18 missed messages and about 20 missed calls.
The messages are from a marine saying he knows where I live and he is going to put a bullet in my head for what I've done.
I have no idea who this person is who is threatening my life, only that he knows my name and I apparently called him 5 times at around 4-5AM.
No idea who he is or why he wants to kill me.
I put on a pair of dark Vuarnet sunglasses, the type for arctic activities that block light incredibly well. I stumble out of bed and see my path of destruction - clothes, bottles, trash, blood.
I "walk" around the neighborhood trying to find my car, wondering if someone dropped me off or if I actually drove home. There it is!
Ah, how exciting - the car is unlocked, there are french fries and trash everywhere, an open can of Busch (lovely), money thrown all over the place, and the windows are down. My $3,000 laptop is sitting on the passenger seat.
I find my phones... YES! They aren't broken! Every time I get drunk, I typically throw my phones at walls, so this was a great relief.
I do the walk around - wow... no damage to the car. My Ray Bans are definitely missing, but that is chump change compared to the unfathomable costs I've incurred due to drinking and never getting caught or suffering major consequences.
Then the phone calls start rolling in. "Man, you called me at 5AM. You were SO wasted, dude. What are you on? Are you OK?"
My brother calls to tell me he is celebrating his first anniversary of sobriety, after being an alcoholic for decades. It is unfortunate that I am slurring my speech at 2PM while congratulating him.
This is my life as a high functioning alcoholic.
I've lied to everyone. I've wrecked perhaps 7 cars due to drunk driving and have never been apprehended.
"Hon! Someone must have hit my car in the parking lot AGAIN!"
It is always frightening going to Progressive and having to make up a story when I HAVE NO IDEA why the back end of my new car is missing.
Thousands of dollars in damage to phones, cars, watches, glasses... and much worse, betraying my family, my friends, lying, hiding, slitting my wrists in a drunken rage, driving with my eyes closed, waking up in a suit in a running shower with blood all over me... infidelity, fights with bouncers, screaming at police, stealing from stores, peeing in the middle of a hotel lobby, throwing laptops at walls for fun...
Believe it or not, this is just the beginning. It would take a year to talk about all of the possessions I have destroyed, all of the lives I've ruined, and all of the friends I've lost.
And somehow, I have never been arrested, never hit anyone else with my car (usually just poles and gates and curbs)... I just take a Clonopin, throw up a few times, and then pretend nothing happened.
It has to end now. I'm begging for help. I am going to kill someone or kill myself. The drunk me is not the real me. It is a maniac, a psychopath who does everything possible to hurt himself and others without mercy.
Help me.