Originally Posted by MiSoberbio

I feel a need to comment on some of the language we use here on SR, on THIS side of the street (loved ones of addicted persons, many of whom are codependent), regarding people who may be from the other side of the street (addicted persons). [I use the term "we" because I am included, but it shouldn't imply that everyone who contributes to this site is.]

Although many of us have been hurt by addicted persons in our lives, I would like to urge all of us to foment compassion and to avoid demonizing. Yes, an 'active' addict often wreaks destruction in the lives of those close to him/her, and the responsibility for such destruction cannot/shouldn't be ignored, but these people are not well. They have an illness that is only beginning to be understood by our scientific/medical/religious communities, and they are suffering, terribly.

One time, earlier in my recovery, I was sharing in my Nar-Anon group and I said some pretty repulsive things about an addicted person – I said that I felt hatred for the guy who got my partner "hooked" and who always seemed to drag my companion back into hell... I said that I knew that this person was very ill (liver damage) and that every time I walked past his building I wondered if he was dead yet.

Then, I looked up and saw the faces of a number of women who had sons who were addicted and I understood that any one of them could be the mother of the person that I basically wished was dead. Aside from the shame I felt, I also saw for the first time how insidious, how heart-breaking, how UNFAIR the illness we call addiction really is.

And I WISH I could say something like what I just wrote here to my companion who is in the streets right now, and that he'd listen and understand that I love him deeply and that some light would go off in his head/soul and he'd begin walking a path to recovery... but I tried that so many times already, and he only brought more and more pain and violence into my life. I doubt that he understands, but I had to close my life to him because of his illness. I had to protect myself and honor the life that God gave me, rather than lose it in an attempt to "save" someone who does not yet want "salvation" (I'm speaking in terms of HEALTH, not religion.)


And beyond the actions of the addicted person in my life, I've learned through it all that I have willingly played a role in whatever game of pain he brought to me. I denied it, I fought it, I ignored it, but it wouldn't go away – I have some problems that cause(d) me to basically invite abusive behavior into my life, and my (beloved) addicted person has nothing to do with that. That's my past, my psychology that is affecting me, not HIM.