Thank you Received and Dee, it helps to know that I'm not alone in this. I feel understood. I'm so sorry that you have had similar experiences.
Dee, that's exactly it, I've spent a life-time trying to get the love, acceptance I've never gotten from my mother, from my siblings, who don't have it to give. I think that's called repitition compulsion. Now working on acceptance, it is what it is but I guess it just takes time huh?
I am seeing a therapist who is working with me to learn to love myself and stop looking on the outside for validation...boy that's a tough one though!
I can't thank everyone enough for caring...