Where do I go from here?
Hi guys,
Want some advice/chat/inspiration.
I posted a message earlier in the mental health forum but as I use this forum more regularly I wanted you guys to see it too. For those who don't know me or can't remember me I'm sneeker. I joined this forum September last year when I was in a really bad place. I got my username because I used to sneek the booze in and sneek the empties out! Sneeker by name sneeker by nature. I run my own business and it is very stressful and like a lot of people I have money issues, crazy deadlines and huge expectations. By nature I'm a perfectionist and a worrier, which is a rubbish combination! I'm also a very thoughtful sensitive person. I take thing to heart very easily and consequently get upset for the stupidest things. Drinking was always my crutch.
I have also suffered with depression since I was a teenager. I've always been a drinker, more enthusiastic social drinker than problem drinker, but always a drinker. I gave up alcohol Sept 2012 because my drinking went from being social to out of control. At the time I was going through a really bad period of depression. I was so stressed and down the only way I felt I could cope was through drinking. I drank to escape, to dull the pain. I used to love the numb feeling booze would give me, sometimes it felt like I was underwater.
After a brief moment of clarity I had an epiphany, what if the booze was making me depressed?! I suddenly felt lifted like I had found the meaning of life! So I gave up drinking. I figured it would take a while but eventually I would start to feel better in myself.
Well, four and a half months have passed and I still have the depression. So my theory was wrong. There was no direct link between the alcohol and the depression. One thing I did learn is that for the past 10-15 years I have probably been inadvertently using alcohol as self meditation without even realising it.
So am I glad I gave up drinking? Yes I think so. I did not get the miraculous recovery I was expecting but I am in a better place now. I still have the depression but through trial and error I have got rid of the alcoholism, which is no bad thing.
Thing is I feel a little lost. Where do I go from here? How can I crack my depression? Do I need to find a new forum?!!
Confused right now. Any thoughts?