Thank You LMN
LMN
the words you told me yesterday hit home like a rocket from a yank jet. telling me not to live in the hope of tomorrow, but the reality of today, has helped me move my life from one of great hurt and pain, to one where its a lot more peaceful and full of prospects. it centred me. thank you.
since my bf and i broke up last week, as he has a number of things to sort out in his life, i have been living in hope that he and i will get back together. although this may happen, right now that isnt my reality. right now, his focus is on his ex-wife, and finding out how he really feels about that. i am not his focus. and that hurts. i had not told my children of our split as i didnt want to ruin the relationship he and them had been building, and if we did get back together then i just saw that it could make things harder and more painful for everyone. so i kept it from them, and told them that he had to go back to the UK for family issues. this kept my fantasy of he and i going.
last night he told me that he didnt think that was the best way to handle it, but i think i was more scared of making it that much more real. so after we hung up, i went to my kids and told them the truth. the whole truth about what was going on and why. they took it very well, and i told them why i put it off telling them. there is a chance that he and i can work things out in the future, and that i didnt want them to just think that it was going to be an on again off again thing, that if we were able to work things out that i wanted them to know that it was because we were both committed to it working. they were amazing about it, and thanked me for my honesty. it felt so much better to have accepted it.
in the past i have always associated sex as love. thats how people showed me they loved me. (yes i was abused as a child). but i dont want people to see me that way anymore. i dont want to be a "fun" option. i want to have integrity. i realise now that i dont come across as someone who has integrity. i rush into relationships with sex. i keep ex bf as friends. even if they are just friends, i have them all in my life. i am there if they need me. and they think that they can take advantage of my giving nature and need for love. well NO MORE. my ex and i organised to meet tonight for him to say goodbye to my kids, and for us to have one more night together. i called him this morning and told him that it wasnt a good idea. i wanted a relationship with him. and i wanted him to want ALL of me. not just another night. no one will give me the integrity i want, until i give it to myself. i have deleted all my contacts with people who i do not have healthy boundaries with both on skype and on FB. i cant blur my boundaries and keep moving them so that i can keep people in my life. i need to let go of my past and move into a much brighter future.
so thank you LMN for your much needed words. with your support and some words from my exbf (he and i use to be very brutally honest with each other), i have been able to see what i have been really doing most of my life. has been a much needed wake up call.
hugs