DG, I have been where you are. Do you really hate yourself or your alcoholism? Now that I'm sober, I can see that a lot of my negative feelings came from deep shame about being a drunk. I did similiar things when I was drinking (well, more so when someone or something got in the way of my drinking). I made up a name for it-alcohol induced psychosis. Totally made up name but it fit. To me, you sound like you're about to fall off the edge of a cliff, so to speak and it sounds like you need some help now. Please know that even though I don't know you, I can really relate to what you're going through. You are not alone.