i haven't been to a meeting but i know i gotta get to one. it's the nail in my relapse coffin and i sure would like to put this damn thing in the ground. Kev thought he was more clever than me but what he didn't realize was that my mom sent us a check for $150 so i put $130 of it in the bank, cashed the other $20, spent $10 on booze and the other $10 on lunch. i think a lot of that we me being angry about my cards being taken. i want them back! i have to go grocery shopping!!! i mean, we got dinner tonight because i cooked a ton last night and the night before. i guess we can go out to dinner tomorrow night if he wants but i WILL NOT eat out two nights in a row. i want to effing cook. anyways, i know i'm not going to deal with this issue just because he's taken my cards away. i have to get over this fear and self hate. i started cutting. i bit myself the night before and i wacked myself in the head the night before that. there's a lot of hate in me for me right now. i'm really, really, really angry and i'm acting like it's all cool...maybe i'm manic. that's really possible right now. i realized that when i was at a doctor's appointment today. i ran her over in conversation several times. i think i'm manic. i'm doping myself up with booze and TV to try to deal with it. every time i get engaged with someone i get crazy. i don't know why. i'm running off right now. i can't stop. i need this to end. thank goodness i have an appointment with my psych next week. i just gotta be sober for it and it's not looking too good right now, folks.