Threshold

File this one under "duh"

Many of us have experienced friends and families, often in an effort to be supportive...tell us that we're really not that bad, that our addiction isn't that serious. They encourage us to just cut back, have one once in awhile, lighten up, etc.

And many of us learn the hard way that we ARE "that bad" and cutting back isn't enough and having one once in a while just isn't possible for us.

It was pretty easy for me to see when this happened when it came to drugs and booze. But I somehow missed it recently when it came to "relationships".

I have a long history of relationship issues. I can have a main relationship that I basically feel safe in. But some part of me is always worried, some part of my ego wants more, wants to prove I can still attract others, wants to know that if my main relationship tanks, I have someone waiting in the wings. It's another addiction, plain and simple. I KNOW this. I have truly tried to stay vigilant, with varying degrees of success. The thing is that in my life, booze and drugs don't pursue me.

I know that for some people, due to their work and social situations, it really is like booze or drugs pursue them. But in my case, if I truly walk away, I am free.

But it's not the case with other people. People can pursue, and I've found that hard, but still, I can turn away, say "not interested" and make efforts on my own behalf.

But I didn't stay aware of the influence of friends. Well meaning, supportive friends, thinking they are doing me a favor, and encouraging me to enjoy the attention, just keep it as friends, etc.

That is fine for many people. They can do that...the behavioral version of cutting back, or just having one once in a while. I can't.

This has all blown up in my face this past week as things got all kinds of confusing with one of those "just friends", someone who I was encouraged to enjoy some companionship with. My ego got all pumped up, then let down.

Emotional upset, partial tailspin...ugh.

Sometimes friends don't get it. Sometimes well meaning people don't understand, and their efforts to support don't work for us.

This is all on me, because I DO get it. This is all on me because I KNOW better. This is on me because my recovery is my resonsibility and I know that feeding one of my addictions wakes up ALL of my addictions.

This post is part warning, part confession, part forehead smack.

I need to be dead honest about my own areas of concern, and I have to be willing to do what it takes to keep clean from all my addictions. Because even some of my best and most supportive friends don't get it, but I do.