Toss

Finally received the funeral arrangements from my fathers's wife yesterday, and thankfully he is being buried with his parents where he grew up. But the resentment has released.

She has communicated very little, but did come through with the arrangements. I did not want to create a situation, but in a return email to the arrangements I mentioned that even though she doesn't understand, I gave everything to my Dad I felt I could. Her response was direct, I know she's angry and hurting, so I expected it.

She basically told me that my brother and our families were not welcome. We should have seen him more when he needed us. He was dead, it was a closed casket and that this was for her and her son and friends. I would go if it meant something to me, but it doesn't. I was going out of respect and she said if this was the case, don't bother. We have no living relatives left in the area, so I will know no one at these events.

I can respect that. She was with him for 25 years and he was in declining health for alot of it. We were going up to the wake tonight (3 hours away), I drove to work because it is closer and we were having managers in, so I went. I walked in after reading the email, broken down and left, went straight to my Mom's. After talking with her and my sister-in-law for a while, I made the decision, with my brother's agreement that we would not go tonight. I made my peace with him years ago, even though I don't think he ever believed it. I did not want to take my family in that negative atmosphere.

My brother wants to go to the graveside service tomorrow and I don't. I've done alot of things in my life I did not want to do, but I almost physically can't take myself into this toxic environment. Even if I don't talk to her, it will still be bad.

I am not bending to her wishes out of fear, I know where he will be buried, I intend to take my family up in a month or so and visit. My brother wants no part of it. He wants to go say his goodbye and never go back. I want to support him, but don't think I can. I know he will give me an out, his wife and older kids will go with him, but I feel weak. (Just talked to him, he's totally fine with me not going).

I have to decide what's best for me. How can a upper 40's adult feel like a ten year old?

The thought of drinking fluttered into my mind for a few seconds on the drive home and just drifted away, the AV knocking on the door to see if he could get a response. There was no response. I would rather drink a half can of soda with cigerette butts in it then bend to my previous distruction personal behaviour. Now THAT would be selfish.

I love you Dad, I hope your free and at peace.

Toss