Sometimes i wonder if the reason i get knotted up with terms etc is because i'm searching forensically for some flaw or inconsistency in AVRT so that i can say 'sod it' and justify drinking again. Strange how the mind works eh?
ya hey! what's stranger still is that mine worked the same way!
but : i did have to come to terms with the choice-thing. and
years of skewed/screwed-up thinking about alcohol has warped the ability to think logically about what it is you really want, then you maybe begin to see the obvious. Which leads back to the same place anyway - quitting for good. this was part of that, because logic and rational thinking about what i really want got me to a place of decision many times, but then every time i fell, i was left in the same place, with the same question: how could it be that i repeatedly did what i had firmly decided not to do? how could it be that apparently i freely chose to put that stuff past my lips on the very day that i had most certainly freely chosen not to? (you are starting to see why your thread title "commitment issues" got my interest, yes?). looking back,( which might be skewed, of course) i could finally quit the drinking itself quite easily when i woke up one day and saw i was a drunk, really GOT that on one level, but the other "levels", of understanding and accepting about powerlessness....that took a lot longer. and i needed to be able to 'understand" that with my rational mind, too. not just in my gut. it had to make sense to me, even in its senselessness.
i had to make sense to me, you know?
but, one thing you can take away from my journey is the fact that i did much of my figuring out AFTER i was sober. it wasn't at all necessary to get all that in order to get sober.
a long time ago, i had convinced myself very conveniently that i had to, HAD TO, understand the "why" of why i drank and kept drinking. this was convenient because i didn't understand and so i could just keep drinking
just keep going, newatthis, the understandings will come/grow/change.