You HAVE to focus on yourself. You MUST be your own best friend. Your husband is sick - mentally and spiritually. Do not depend upon him, or expect anything at all from him. It appears you keep expecting him to be kind, you know he's not, and then you are wounded and rewounded, time and time again. Take yourself out of the destructive cycle.
He is probably scared of losing you for his own selfish reasons. That says nothing about you. What he thinks of you is none of your business, as they say. You make yourself too vulnerable to abuse when your self-esteem is tied to another's opinions - especially someone who has proven himself to be cruel and untrustworthy.
If you could pull back, concentrate on yourself, your kids and your health and their health, it would be so much better for you. You sound like you are super busy and tapped out - but if you could squeeze in an appointment with a counselor, it might be helpful - just to encourage you or to help you become aware of your abandonment issues or whatever.
I wish you could take some time off for rest and relaxation. Is there any way that might be possible?