This has been 24 hours of revelations and insights. Painful. Necessary. Important. Humbling.
" If he was all mean and abusive sending a single message all the time, you'd at least have emotional clarity in one direction, but it's the contradictions that a manipulator uses to really get you doubting yourself and your feelings and your opinion of him. It's crazy making, literally. "
Yes, h00p, you've said something so important here. It makes me realize that if he really wanted me back, he would treat me respectfully in this divorce process, hoping that if I saw him behave well and grow beyond his prior abuse, that that would be his best hope of getting me to come back. This is just more harassment, more abuse.
English Garden, your metaphor about the dark Ring-Wraiths in the Lord of the Ring is both shocking and all too true. I think I will watch that movie again.
Now I am reading a book about healing from sexual abuse, and I realize that beyond the porn, he demanded what he wanted, and because I loved him, I complied, and then he berated me viciously for his failures. I didn't understand until tonight that that is the definition of sexual abuse. Feeling obligated for any reason, even love, to do something that you don't want to do. That has shocked me, like a 1000 watt light turned on suddenly in the darkness of night. I didn't understand.
I think acknowledging this is important, is key to coming to terms with the worst of the dominance and submission. As painful as that is, I feel more grounded, freer now with that realization. Sometimes when you put a new piece of the puzzle in, lots more of the pattern comes into focus.
How could there be any more layers to this? Have I finally come to the bottom? It must be the bottom. What else could be left after this.
I finished all the work I could stand to do to answer those mandatory and mean spirited questions from his lawyer. I sent my draft back to my lawyer and said I cannot do anymore. It is too painful. Work with what you have, it is enough. And my lawyer is compassionate and a good lawyer, and he will do that. I have been struggling with depression. Seeing those images of cemeteries again. I have met my limit and I recognize it.
So I've drawn a line in the sand about what I can handle and what I cannot and I will protect myself now. Don't worry. I won't falter; I see the warning signs these days, and I know what I need to do and I do it. I have the support I need, and I will use it. This last piece that I wrote about here in this post - this may be the keystone. I may now know all I need to know.
It is time to heal. Time to let go of the last pieces. Time to mourn. Time to rest. Time then to grow. Time to finally be free. Time to start my new life here in my new town. Maybe, in a bit, time finally to go into my studio, nurture the creative part of me, let the new emerge.
I am not going to do anything ever again with him. I am not going to sell the house together with him. He will have to buy me out and sell it himself, or I will have the Judge name a real estate Conservator to sell it. There is nothing anywhere worth salvaging. I took what I need, I have what I need, I can be the person I need me to be. In a bit. Soon. I am ready to turn the divorce over to my lawyer now. I am ready to mourn and move on. I hope I can sustain this understanding.
I am ready to turn my life over to my Higher Power, to God.
In the darkness of winter,
Where night comes early
And dawn comes late,
My paperwhites and rose colored amaryllis
Are coming into bloom.
ShootingStar1