Sometimes the fantasy creeps back in. Sometimes I think I could have made it work, notice, I could have made it work. Sometimes I think , he is limited, I should just have gone along.
About three months ago he left me 16 messages on my cell phone one night, my phone is always off when I go to bed. I recorded them on my compurter, the copied them on a cd. I emailed a copy of the file to him. When I feel guilty, or ashamed, or bad, or feel like I could have stayed, I think about listening to that cd. That stops me in my tracks. Because I do not want to hear the voice of the monster my xabf was to me 40 percent of the time.
I was tortured, put down, disrepected, demonized, it was all my fault, gaslighted, stupid, I should dress sexier, wear my hair and make up differently, didn't eat enough, didn't raise my puppy right, didn't do enough, etc etc etc, it has taken me a year or more to finally heal from the constant bashing of an alcoholic. I can not put myself in the line of fire again. I'm worth so much more and so are you.