Military Addict, 5 days sober
Well, where to begin...
I feel different this time. I'm finally exhausted with being deceitful and manipulative, and of being such a despicable narcissist with this complete superiority complex that somehow makes me think I'm the exception to every rule and just *so* much smarter than everyone else. But I didn't manage to outsmart myself in my active addiction. I had to come to a place where I was going to bankrupt my mother, who should be saving for retirement, before I was ready to be ready to be done.
I've stopped before in my active addiction to pain pills, but I am finally ready to quit. I have a great career laid out in front of me. I've come so close to f--king it up, and for what? Fear of withdrawal, really. Familiarity of habits. Numbness.
I have a niece I haven't even met, and she turned one year old today. Yes, part of what has kept (and keeps) me from home is my career in the Military, but the other part is that I don't want to see my family (or let them see me) until I'm sober.
I couldn't bear receiving their admonishment and love until I was worthy of it.
I'm finally ready to make myself worthy.