ShootingStar1,
I feel your pain, and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Trust in yourself, you are stronger than you know!
I completely understand though seeing those "glimmers" of what he used to be. It can really cast doubt upon our innermost feelings, makes us question and minimize our true and undeniable pain.
I'm going through a divorce, and have gone NC with AH, except for emails relating to home affairs. I don't take his calls, and return his voicemails with an email. Dealing with him during the divorce became so unsettling that I couldn't stand talking to him. At times though, I see the man I fell in love with and it breaks my heart all over again. One day, he was really nice to me (via email
) and didn't argue with me or anything. Out of nowhere later that evening, I burst into tears and just sobbed and bawled for hours. He can be really kind, or funny and makes me laugh like no one else, and I momentarily forget that he was an absolute monster to me. But then I always remember he was a monster to me.