I am really sorry for the pain you are going through.
Before I became educated about alcoholism I thought the way that you do in some ways - why not choose to go to AA - you can - you just don't because you would rather be drunk! I truly felt that anyone could easily recover you just STOP.
My RAH when we were first dating spent a lot of time talking about alcoholism. I would get exasperated at times asking him why he didn't stop when he first got sick when his pancreatitis was acute....or the second, or the third. How about the first time he threw up blood? That would scare me to death if it were me I would NEVER drink again. Yet he continued to. He finally just said..
YOU ARENT AN ALCOHOLIC SO YOU CAN"T UNDERSTAND YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.
That finally sunk in my brain. Took awhile.
We all have our processes of choice. Why do people smoke? Overeat? Not go to the Dr? Participate in illegal or dangerous activities? Are these all choices that are made by only addicts and alcoholics? No. Are only alcoholics bad people, liars and thieves? No. Do only alcoholics and addicts destroy their health? No.
It sounds like you blame yourself - you were a good person and raised him well and he doesn't reflect the way you raised him. It happens. Sometimes things aren't logical.
I have a lot of compassion - and I have been so angry that I am not sure how I functioned.
He is young, really young. There is time for him to change. I hope one day he will.