seek

The alcoholic I am having issues with is my grandson. I did not choose to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, unless you count marrying his grandfather which was a choice that "caused" the chain of events to unfold . . .

I guess, karmically, that could be the choice I made that led to my current state of affairs.

I then helped raise him . . .I won't go into the details of why that was necessary. I thought I did a damn good job, but evidently, my influence had no positive effect and quite honestly, I am surprised about that.

I had some issues realizing I wasted twenty years of my life but I have almost come to terms with that . . .

I am still angry at him for "not playing by the rules" and having such terrible judgment - on a myriad of fronts.

I am also angry that he has been disrespectful to me in so many ways.

I do blame him because I honestly feel he could have done better. I made some bad mistakes as a teen but nothing like the ones he made - If he gets better, I forgive him and if he doesn't, I don't think it's ok to ruin other people's lives who have loved you and supported you (there's a whole slew of us) . . . no matter what, I BELIEVE in my heart and soul that he could have done better but it was this choice and that choice and this choice and that choice.

I BELIEVE alcoholism is a sickness - not a disease - it's a disease so insurance will cover treatment.

I believe it is a sickness of selfishness, bad judgment, laziness (not willing to do the work that healthy people do to deal with life), etc.

I don't want to hear about how judgmental and sick I am for thinking the way I do . . .I pray for him and all peoples - that all of our wounds will be healed. I don't believe that alcoholics have such "special" traumas that they could not help but drink . . . there are always other choices.

My grandson also got in trouble with the law - so there is another element of bad judgment and he knew right from wrong - just had or has (not sure which) entitlement mentality.

He was such a sweet child.

I love him and if I knew all of the stuff he has done, I wound't be able to take it. I just know a small fraction and it torments me . . .

It is like diabetes in the sense that if he had diabetes and insisted in not taking his medicine and eating a bunch of sugar, I would feel exactly the same way I feel now - helpless that he makes such bad decisions and upset that he doesn't care for himself enough to take good care of himself.

The spiritual part that torments me is my belief that God gave him almost a perfect body and he doesn't respect that . . .who does he think he is to harm himself in that way? I believe that is a sin. I was taught that "your body is a temple of the holy spirit," and I believe that. I don't think anyone has the "right" to hurt themselves or anyone else.

I see this has turned into quite the rant.

I don't wish to argue with the pious who have compassion for the alcoholic and are not angry beyond all comprehension. I am happy for you, but I am not you . . .

That's all for the moment.