single parenthood and recovery
My exah is a mentally ill alcoholic. He's a very sick man. He's in jail right now for breaking into a fire hall and stealing an ambulance. I have a personal protection order in place which prohibits him from having any contact with me or our son. I've worked really hard at my recovery. I've made alot of difficult but necessary changes to my life in order to root out the insanity of addiction from my life and the life of our son. But I'm struggling lately. Big time.
Our son is going to be 14 at the end of this month. It seems like all we do lately is butt heads. Where I once had this really sweet, kind-hearted, sensitive child in my home, I now have a disprespectful, defiant and reclusive teenager.
Once in a while, the sweet kid I know emerges. Once in a while, we'll connect and have a nice conversation about something. These nice moments used to be common in our home but now they seem so rare and fleeting.
He's a good kid. He is. He's doing well in school. I have him involved in Al a teen. I feel like I've done as much as I can to help him cope with his dad's illness and absence from his life as well as I can.
But this single parent-hood thing is hard. It's really freaking hard. It's hard to raise a child with no emotional or financial support from his father. I agonize so much about what I'm doing and how I"m doing it. Somedays I feel as though I'm too hard on my son when he is disrespectful. Somedays I feel like I"m not hard enough. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place.
Last night we had a big knock, down drag out over the flack he gave me when I asked him to take out the garbage. I had worked all day and had to go to a school function afterwards...I got home at 9:00 pm and I didn't respond well to his disrespectful attitude.
My al anon sponsor encourages me not to react in anger. It's hard sometimes. Sometimes, my son reminds me of my exah. When he tries to be sweet and nice to me after he's been particularly difficult, it reminds me of how his dad used to manipulate me in much the same fashion.
It bothers me that I feel the same reaction to my child as I used to feel to my exah. And yet, isn't dealing with an active drinker an awful lot like dealing with a teenager? The selfishness, the self-centeredness, the ability to turn on he charm when something is wanted or needed...???
I don't even know where I"m going with this.
I guess I"m just having a big old pity party for myself today.
I just feel especially tired today...and beat up. I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning which is so unlike me.
I need to apply my recovery tools to this situation as well.
I just can't seem to find them today.