I am feeling ok. The tumor is in my head/neck so I get headaches but not too bad. I sense the illness will worsen with chemo but that hasnt started yet. Right now my biggest challenges are mental.
I am on AH insurance so I had to contact him for some info and basically hes been in a nice mode the past 2 days. But over the course of our 8 month separation I have seen the cycle. Hes nice and may even be remorseful but in a few days, he will be in hate mode again because that is the cycle! He has to push me away when he feels himself getting vulnerable and facing reality.
Right now when I see the man I love, its his face and body and I have the belief hes somewhere inside there...right now when I need him more than ever...is when I have to remember he is not capable and he is ill. Alcoholism is progressive and even in my illness, I cannot fall back into the trap because it would be so devastating to be hurt while going through my illness. The codie in me wants to romanticize this and think maybe this is what is finally going to wake him up to get help. He literally told me upon last exchange of daughter that he's scared something will happen to me and he will not be well should he need to do more for her or in worst case care for her on his own. Im happy he can see that and know hes troubled. Some people never admit their issues.
I just pray everyday and all night when I used to long for AH...i just talk to God. Its more peaceful.