I am still not engaging with him although I am not as angry or hurt. However, I am letting him feel the consequences to his choices. I am not taking any perverse pleasure in it. I am staying in my own space and not enabling. Also, I come here to vent so I can release the emotions I am feeling. I feel better when I get it out here!!
This is his 2nd relapse. Once after he went off of suboxone and this time - after his arm surgery. Neither time was a shock but still felt like a kick in the gut. I acknowledge that he continues to try and work on his recovery. He never stopped going to meetings or working the steps, the relapses were short and now he is seeing an addiction therapist too. I know he is trying! I know he loves me! I know he is remorseful about many of his choices.
All that said, addiction still scares me!! I try not to let it but it does. I continue to struggle with my fear of it. It completely changes him into someone I do not like.
If I took addiction out of the equation, I still feel very blessed to have my husband. I like and love him for many reasons and I enjoy his sense of humor. I think we have both worked hard on conflict resolutions, there have been no angry words exchanged in a while. When clean, he is honest, loving, and sweet. I do not think he is narcissistic, abusive, bipolar or selfish. (well sometimes, he can be but I think it a man/woman thing).
But I cant take it out of the equation. It is there and always will be. IMO, I would be foolish to think otherwise!! He has a disease that has no cure. It lays there waiting to strike. It is evil and I can not come to "acceptance" of it. Not today anyway, maybe never!!
I have been trying to stay in the now and enjoy each day as it comes. I really enjoy the quality time I have him with now because I had lost "him" for what felt like an eternity. However, I am learning that he is not my whole life, my happiness has to come from within me but I would be lying if I didn't say I like having my husband be the man I chose to marry, my best friend. When he was lost in his addiction, I really missed him.
I hate addiction and I hate drugs!! It steals the souls of our loved ones and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.