Mom had a stroke...now what?
My mother has been an alcoholic for about 10 years now...she's been in and out of rehab, had 2 or 3 DUIs, been estranged for several extended periods of time...basically has hit "rock bottom" and continued to dig multiple times. She moved from Utah to Colorado about 3 years ago, leaving my father for a man she "reunited with" during a HS reunion. Long story short, that didn't last long, as her drinking became a problem with him as well, and she's bounced around between men, jobs, and living situations since. I got married in August, and she came to the wedding and behaved herself (thank God), but has been actively drinking since.
On Thanksgiving evening 2 months ago, I got a call from a hospital in Denver saying she had a major stroke, and was in the ICU. It was a right sided stroke, so mostly just affected her mobility, and not her speech/cognition. My father and I made the decision to step up and help care for her, as we are her only lasting support system of any kind, and she has no real support in Colorado, besides her elderly mother.
My husband and I drove out on Dec. 30th to pick her up...she was discharged from the hospital, and we drove her back to Utah on the 1st of January. She is a minimum to moderate assist, so we had to move her into an Assisted Living near our house until she is independent and strong enough to be in an apartment.
My father, my husband and myself have spent countless hours, and a pretty big chunk of money since Thanksgiving making sure she is cared for, and has everything she needs. I take her shopping when she needs to go, we do her laundry, we pay for her care (>$3000/mo), etc. I sat her down last night and wanted to have a pretty frank discussion with her about where we need to go from here, and what is expected. I explained that I would give her a list of AA meetings in the area, and she could pick a meeting on whatever day/time she chooses, and I would take her to one or two meetings a week. She looked at me like I was from another planet and said "I'm not going to those, I don't need to, and you can't make me". I just stared back, startled, as I felt like I was talking to a 14 year old. I explained to her further that since we've taken over her finances since the stroke, we've seen a lot of late bills, huge debts, liquor store receipts, body shop bills from minor "accidents", etc. We've also been in contact with several of her past employers and landlords and heard multiple horror stories of her bad behavior over the past year or two. I told her all these facts, and explained that if she expects me (and my husband) to take care of her the way we have been, she needs to do her part and face the music, and buckle down and get into some type of recovery. She turned around in the wheelchair, and spouted off about only needing a stroke recovery group, that's all she will benefit from.
Anyone else can see she is clearly a disaster, and has completely lost control of her life. Her smoking and drinking are likely what caused the stroke, and she hasn't been able to keep a job in over 4 years. My husband suggested that if she doesn't agree to follow through with the suggestions we are lining up for her, we should just cut her off. Let her take care of herself, and make whatever decisions she chooses to make. I feel obligated to care for her, because I'm her only child, and she has burned all of her bridges...but at the same time, I want to protect myself, my sanity, and my family from her destructive/manipulative behavior. We had a perfectly fine "talk once a month when she's sober" detached relationship, but now since the stroke, I feel like I've been flung back into the middle of her tornado of destruction.
How do I keep firm boundaries, but also offer help to her at the same time? Do I cut her off if she chooses to ignore me? Or do I continue to spend my time/energy/emotions/money on helping her recover medically, even if she has no intentions of admitting she needs to be actively working on an alcohol recovery? I know you can't control another person's recovery, and I was doing perfectly fine with my boundaries before her stroke - but now I feel like I don't have the choice but to be involved in her life, as she now lives 2 miles away from me, and relies on me for so much. In a way, I feel like I've lost MY independence, and I'm being tossed back to the toxic lifestyle I worked so hard to distance myself from.
I'm feeling so torn, and don't know what the right thing to do is. Any help? I appreciate any feedback anyone takes the time to offer...