It is good to be here. My story.
Greetings to all. I have introduced myself in the intro part of the forum but I feel that telling my story of how I got here fully will not only benefit me, but perhaps others on their road to recovery. I will give you a brief into of me then tell you my story.
I am a 25 year old male in graduate school in a big city. I have been on and off with alcohol since the age of 15 (my neighborhood glorifies it). So many times I tell myself that alcohol is not the problem, but it really is. I do not drink everyday but when I do drink, I don't remember anything. I also am prescribed Valium to be tapered down from a benzo dependency. What brought me here?
I sit in the computer lab of my school before class wondering why there is a pit of emptiness in my stomach. I wonder why I wake up every day feeling shameful, guilty, and anxious. Saturday was a wild night for me. Mixing benzos and alcohol until the point of blacking out brought me to a feeling of disgust Sunday morning. It brought me to a feeling that I never want to feel again. What did I do when I was blacked out? What hurtful things did I say? Why does a 5 am bar sound so appealing after having a few beers? Well, needless to say I still (and am not sure if it is common) feel sick and guilty over my "friends" carrying me home from the bar to my home. This has happened sporadically over the years. Saturday was the straw that broke the camels back though. I cannot live like that anymore. Back to why I am here.
I have felt pervasive difficulty being honest with myself and others. Especially women. I am also an ACOA and have severe codependency issues. There is a beautiful woman here at school who I study with and have grown to become close over the past five months. We had not seen each other in a month because she went home for holiday, but this is exactly what brought me here. Before she left to go home for holiday, we had a nice dinner and hung out at her apartment. Up until this point it had been all platonic. I am deathly afraid of getting close to any woman. She is a bright, beautiful, (drug user and drinker also) but I felt the urge to kiss her before I left and I did. It was pleasant. Well, now after seeing her today, I feel as if it would have been normal to be true to myself and let myself get closer to her. I did not do a good job of that. I retreated. My insecurities as an ACOA got the best of me. I was not honest with myself and did not express myself promptly enough. What I have realized is that I let things go unsaid.
My father was an alcohol abuser and a work-a-holic. He was not around much and when he was I lived in fear of him. My mother belittled him constantly. My father would always tell me that he loved me though and this confused me. What kind of father drinks his face off, breaks dishes in the kitchen, and then turns around to tell me he loves me? Well. He did. My mother is an extreme codependent. Her and my father fed off of each other which left me and my brother being raised by the wolves. I tell people that and they laugh, but I really did learn how to become "Mr. Fitting in Everywhere."
I have an "anxiety disorder" but I mainly think that anxiety I feel is trauma from my childhood. My childhood was taken away from me. I don't feel as if I was actually "raised." I just grew up. I need to do some intense therapy to go back and deal with all of the trauma I had while growing up. Since I have not, I have been using alcohol as my tension reliever and benzos to amplify the effect.
I have realized that alcohol, drugs, my dysfunctional family, and willingness to fall back into bad cycles led me to reaching out for help. That is where I found SR on google. I am glad that I did because I can now have a community to freely express what I am feeling and have support in my recovery. I am going to try my hardest to stay to to myself and find myself in this journey. I am filled with such shame, guilt, and sadness as to where I currently am in life, but do know that there is a great and healthy person inside of me somewhere. I plan on returning to see my psychologist once a week as well as find a support group.
I would like to think I am self sufficient, but I really am not. It feels good to get that off of my chest. I am a social engineer. I know what to say, how to say it, and when to say it... of course I do not mean any of it.
I want to learn how to say things with feeling.
On that note. Thank you for reading and look forward to talking more with all of you. Have a great day!