BelovedSleep -- really good that you found this site. It has been very helpful to me to spend time here because there is so much more time in your life when drinking and pills are not there to swallow hours. It takes time living without the substances for your brain and body to function normally. Lots more time than I ever could have imagined since I had no concept of the all the ways I was affected by drinking. Stay off the substances at all costs. Make that the central focus. Identify the things that start getting better and treasure each improvement, from noticing the early morning beauty to having no worries about what happened the day before. Very gradually the improvements themselves reinforce sobriety. This is a journey. Stay the course. Best xxx.