I could definitely relate to what Mamakit said about underlying fears.
I think also my AH likes to provoke my anger, especially in front of the children. It makes me feel awful - AWFUL - when he succeeds. He has said increasingly cruel and personal things to me in front of the children, then he blocks my way and keeps egging me on so that I might eventually lose it. Then he can turn to all and say, "see! She's the bad one here, not me!"
He would also make me responsible for most of the disciplining. So when our son made a huge mess of his room that I spent the whole day cleaning, for instance, I would have the talk with our child and he would come in and chastize me for reprimanding our boy. That would lead to my being upset with both of them and he comes across as Mr Calm and Collected while who is left to deal with the mess? Right.
My guilt at respondibg with anger turned inward and made me ashamed of myself. It made me feel that I also couldn't gp to anyone for help because I was not completely innocent. I seem to feel more outraged by my own imperfections than upset with AH's doings. I forgive everyone so easily and forget everything but my own failures.
I don't want to experience another exchange of angry words again ever! I just want peace!!! Thank heavens that man is far away for the moment!