My story and a couple of questions
I really felt like I needed to get this out of my system so here I am. Am so thankful for this site.
Ever since my teenage years, alcohol has always been a crutch. Back then it was all about going out to clubs and binge drinking. I always wrote it off as a "teenage" thing and that I'd grow out of it.
However the drinking continued. I just somehow felt empty without it. Always alone at home. And in the recent years, combined with sleeping pills and benzos.
I'd always had trouble sleeping - I'm the sort that wakes up every 2 hours naturally without pills. But it started to become a situation where I was using them to get high rather than to sleep. The alcohol just helped that. Somehow I'd be a more interesting person while high and drunk, writing better. I liked that. When I travelled it was even more of an excuse to take the pills as the insomnia was worsened in rooms foreign to me.
About 5 years ago my BF, or the person I want to be with for the rest of my life, said enough was enough and that I had to stop completely. Or he'd leave. I stopped completely. Went few years sober.
However all that while I was still taking pills when I travelled for work. Telling myself I had a proper excuse to do so. The lack of sleep would affect my work. I somehow managed to put him out of my mind when I went to the doctors asking for pills.
Then about a year ago I started drinking again. The funny part is there was no major event stressing me out, in fact things were going well for me. I was tired from work and told myself I deserved a drink or two when I got home. Of course that progressed into many drinks plus pills again eventually. How fast we forget the fear that made us stop initially. I really hate that I drink even when things are going smoothly for me.
The drinking and pill popping wasn't on a daily basis. It would be in bursts of maybe one week at a time. I'd stop for a few weeks and start all over again. All this while, even right up to last night, I convinced myself this thing was under control that I could stop any time and that it was just for this week.
It got to a point where I was blacking out, sending incoherent smses to the people closest to me, even going down to the convenience store without any recollection the next morning. Even in that state I was high functioning, making sure to wake up right on time for work the next day. I did miss a few days of work due to my habits though but nothing out of the ordinary.
The extent to which I was in denial is kinda scary. I somehow could block out any and all thoughts or suspicions that it was becoming a problem and somehow pretend it didn't exist. An example was my weight. After awhile of the body being able to handle the drinking and the excess calories, I finally started to put on stubborn weight that was and is hard for me to shed. People around me started commenting on my weight gain and puffy face, but I was so in denial that I didn't allow myself to connect the dots that the weight gain was caused by the alcohol, pill popping and crazy snacking that came hand in hand with these two things. Bear in mind I used to have a food/anorexia problem, so weight gain is a really big deal to me. I went on diets, starting exercising, lifestyle changes, all the while getting frustrated as to why the weight wasn't coming off even though I was still drinking. That's how much in denial I was.
All this while my BF knew I was relapsed even though I was lying to him. He tried talking to me about it but I'd just lie in his face. He tried threatening to leave a few times and I swore I'd never go back to my old habits again. Finally I went on another bender this Christmas and he decided he was going to walk, that he could not help me anymore. I only barely convinced him to stay with me one last time. My last drink and pill was 11 days ago.
When I think about the pain I put him thru, it really hurts me. Only recently he told me about how stressed and worried he would get everytime he knew I was drinking. It's really difficult for him to trust me right now. To be honest I might be in jail or dead if he was not in my life. It's true that some people are put in your life for a reason.
In spite of this, until now, it's hard for me to go by a couple hours without thinking of drinking or taking pills. This makes me feel so guilty, that in spite of knowing all the consequences, hurting my BF, I would still think of such things. Is this normal? I feel so bad about it.
The main thing I am concerned about is the fear that it would be easy for me to relapse. The sad part is I feel if he was not in my life, I might be doing as I please. Is this dangerous? A small part of me still feels like in denial. Right now I focus on my BF, but am so worried that I'd be able to push thoughts of him away and just relapse. How do I change the part of me that can just ignore and avoid reality?
A last vanity question : why is it my face seems more puffy now that I've stopped? I've made major lifestyle changes regarding exercise and diet, but for some reason my body is responding but my face is still puffy.
Sorry for all the questions I'm so new to this. It's just that last night I finally decided to acknowledge that I have a problem. Any help would be appreciated.