In rereading what I wrote, I don't know why I stay in this situation. I know that the best would be complete termination and total no contact. I do deserve more. But I am afraid that I will be losing so much. While I have had many relationships during much of my life, in the last 40 some-odd years, she was the only one I believe I truly fell in deep love with. If we were to fill out questionaires about what we were looking for in a partner, including interests, hobbies, looks, desires, goals, etc, we are a perfect match. Unfortunately there aren't any check boxes for "Alcoholic, which includes utter selfishness and the inability to tell the truth."
While most will say that her actions indicate "Dude- get on with it," my craziness comes through our conversations and the 10s of hours of crying which tell another story about a terrified, guilt ridden woman that I feel really loves me.