Thanks for the replies and the encouragement, I appreciate it. I know there is a long road ahead, but I also know in my heart I never want to go back to the place I was. Funny thing is, my life circumstances are pretty much the same, ( I still don't like my job, bla bla bla) , I just look at the situations differently. Some posters here have helped me realize that. All that self- pity, negativity, whining and self loathing was a by- product of my years of abuse.
In retrospect, I probably should have went into inpatient rehab/detox, the first 3 days were pretty bad. No sleep. Anxiety, anger outbursts, shaky, etc. All that further solidified the fact that I had a real problem, and woke me up even more. Even my wife, who knew I was severely depressed asked me to my amazement, " were you actually drinking every day?" She works 2nd shift and had no idea of the extent of my abuse. Maybe deep down I knew that, and that intensified the feeling of lonliness.
I have an appointment the middle of this month with a therapist, and I have decided that if make it until then without a drink, I'm going to cancel it. Maybe not the right choice, but I am taking it day by day. Ironicly someone once told me that alcohol was a depressant, hence thats why I was depressed. I laughed at them. I thought once my buzz wore off, the effects of alcohol were gone. I couldn't have been more wrong.