Ddrayer-you just have to try. You don't have to understand the hows or whys, you just have to stop. But you need support. Do you have any friends, family, or a doctor you can reach out to?
If you can take the first step and stay sober for just a few days, you will start to feel better.
I've never been to AA, I don't really "get it" either, but I have to say that at the beginning, the first step was actually a really important milestone for me-accepting that alcohol had power over me. If you can accept that, it can help you to realize that you must stop because it is destroying your life.
I hope you can find your way out of the fog. Keep coming back here and post LOTS. It has really helped so many people to get sober, including me.