hi sickpuppy
I think a lot of us coming out of years of addiction have a really bad self image, and a lot of things we blame ourselves for or feel badly about.
The first thing I needed to do was put all the post mortem stuff to one side while I worked on my recovery first and foremost. I needed to be sober and in recovery to deal with my past.
Once I had that fundamental step down, I needed to accept that whatever happened happened.
I can't undo a second of it. The past is closed to me.
I can do a lot with today tho - the possibilities are nearly endless there, if I want to work hard enough.
Living good and helping others was my way of atoning for my past...I see it as a kind of living amends. You'll find your own way and own meaning I'm sure
The more years I live 'right' the less my past bothers me.
I can't forget my past, and I shouldn't...but it doesn't torture me or haunt me anymore....it's a part of me... and who I am and where I am now is OK.
It's amazing I can say that now cos I HATED myself. I really detested myself, all my adult life.
The other thing that recovery and living right gave me was a far clearer perspective.
I discovered I wasn't such a bad guy after all...I made mistakes for sure, and I was no saint, but many of the things I blamed myself for weren't really mine to own.
what also helped me a little was realising I didn't build up that level of self loathing over night - it took a life time really...
its ok to be gentle with yourself and work through all that baggage at your own pace, peeling things back layer by layer.
You're not alone here SP
D