BrokenHeartWife

I totally understand that thinking.

I do think that eventually AH will come to terms with that. He's slowly coming to that. He used the term "garbage in, garbage out" in reference to family...meaning that they were told garbage so they believe garbage.

The problem is that he's not to the point of saying that the things he said were "lies" because the word "lie" is very sensitive to him. He "flips out" if anyone every accuses him of lying because he thinks he's the most honest person in the world. But he has a PD, so his perception is often far from reality.

To give you an example. Before we left our vacation home, we (mostly ME) spent the day cleaning it up before we left. The few things AH did (empty the dishwasher, sweep the patio, and vacuum) were done very well and I thanked him for those things.

At one point he was rearranging some bags I had arranged in two locations ....one set of bags was going home with us, and the other set was going into the storage closet. AH began mixing the bags up. I stopped him and told him that the items in each pile were there for a reason and to leave them alone.

Later on that evening AH complained that I had been "correcting him all day long." When I asked him for specific examples (because I knew that I had only corrected him one time), he was at a loss for words. Again, I asked him for examples, and he (finally) came up with the packages issue. When I pointed out that that was only ONE incident and that I had complimented him and thanked him for the other chores that he had done, he wasn't satisfied. That's the personality disorder coming out. Those with PDs often use words like "always" and "never" when complaining about others. "XXXXX always does this"...or "XXXXX never does that."

So, that's very likely what went on when talking to his family. He likely uses "Always" and "Never" phrases about me (she always criticizes me....she's always telling me what to do....she always has to have her own way.....she's a control freak....she never compliments me....she never does anything for me....she spends all our money....she always says terrible things about my relatives, etc, etc. ) So, it's going to be hard to get him to think back at those things and consider them as "lies"....even tho they really are.

As for accusing me of having an affair. He insists that he later told them that I didn't. However, I've never really trusted if/how he ever cleared that up with them.

After all, if your brother told you that his wife had an affair, and then later he told you that she didn't, you would want more details, such as: Why did you think she had? What makes you now say that you didn't? Well, AH wouldn't likely tell them the true story behind the accusation since it would be so lame. I was in my hometown and went to football game with my sister. We ran into some old high school classmates. We all sat together during the game, cheering our old team. It was VERY cold and I had gloves on (so my ring was covered). When the game ended, one of the men asked me out for a drink. I politely declined, mentioned that I was married, and went home with my sister. Later, I called my H and told him about it...thinking it was "no big deal." After all, the guy probably assumed I was single since it was a Friday night and I wasn't with a man at the game. Well, AH flipped out after hearing the story (which shocked me). He FIRST accused me of flirting and "leading the guy on". Then, the next day he progressed to: "I bet you went out with him. I bet you had an affair." Then he called his mom and told her that I had cheated on him. His mom then proceeded to tell everyone else. Supposedly, later, AH told them that I hadn't cheated on him, but I doubt he told the real story since he'd look like an idiot. More likely he altered the story a bit to make it sound like I had "spent time" with this guy but didn't go "too far." That's just my guess, because I don't think he'd tell the total truth because everyone would wonder why he assumed that I had cheated. This happened about 6 years ago. Since I don't have contact with these people, I've never been able to ask what they were told. Anyway...ever since that crazy story was told to them, they have believed that AH should divorce me. (so obviously they weren't really told the truth.)