I read that you plan to stay with this person, who is not prepared -definitely not now, and only God knows if he will ever be- to be honest with himself and recover from his addictions.
Is this the life you imagined for yourself? is this why you think God (HP) put you on Earth.. to worry about someone who is NOT worried about himself? someone who is NOT caring about you either (for reasons only he knows...)?
I do not mean to sound blunt, but I have learned addictions are like an abyss, consuming everything around them. We F&F have to realize we matter, too, we have to take care of ourselves, we have to define how taking care of ourselves looks like.
No, this is not the life that I had imagined. For about the first 20 years of our marriage, AH rarely drank. His PD would occasionally flare up, but not nearly as often as it will with alcohol involved. When his depression/anxiety issues began really flaring (because of work and an ill/dying father issue) and he turned to alcohol at night to help him fall asleep.
AH has LOTS of unresolved issues with his dead father, so before and after his death, AH really came "unglued". FIL died over 7 years ago. I've lost both of my beloved parents in the last 24 months, so I know how painful that can be, but AH's "grieving process" is like nothing I've ever witnessed before. Anger, anger, anger at his relatives for VERY poorly managing the last few years of his dad's life. and, of course, AH struggles with lots of unresolved issues with his dad because FIL was a total control freak and self-absorbed "my way or the highway" kind of person.
I came from a very normal family...parents married over 50 years, no drugs, no alcohol, stable income, lots of siblings, no mental illnesses. H came from a somewhat similar family, but both of his parents were non-drinking Adult Children of Alcoholics. In hindsight, his family does have depression and anxiety issues, and his dad likely also had a personality disorder (he would "split" also.)
Anyway.... I never expected to have these issues invade our homelife. It breaks my heart that AH thinks that he could handle a drink or two (which is another joke...as most alkies do, my H thinks that ONE glass of wine is a BIG goblet filled to the top...lol...which we all know is really 2-3 glasses of wine.)
His depression is really hitting him hard these days. He's anxious over having to call his brother to tell him that we're not getting divorced. As I've mentioned earlier, his brother (and other relatives) blame me for everything (his alcoholism, depression, anger) so they naturally think that divorce is best. They have never been a part of our lives, so their advice is based on Alkie lies that my AH has told them. So, for the past week, AH has been fretting over talking to them on the phone. He knows that he's going to sound like an idiot saying that he's staying with the same wife that he's been claiming is the world's worst person on the planet. lol
We are back home today (we were at our vacation home over Christmas) so hopefully he'll resume his AA meetings AND find a sponsor! I can only hope and pray.