Originally Posted by
BrokenHeartWife 
I don't agree that a person can't have a reasonable discussion with an A when they are sober and calm. If that weren't true, then a sponsor could never have a reasonable discussion with his sponsee.
I had many reasonable discussions with my ah. Some were before he started drinking, some after. Our discussions were almost always extremely reasonable. However - the follow through was just not there. It was never ever there. That alcoholism came first, no matter how unreasonable it was.
Originally Posted by
BrokenHeartWife I think one problem that spouses have is that with any other disease, we would be "involved" with the recovery. But with alcoholism, we're supposed to be almost disinterested partners...praying and hoping from afar. It's counter-intuitive for some of us.
It is counter-intuitive. The difference is that the alcoholic has the voice of addiction inside their head and they follow that voice no matter what we say or do. We can't compete with it, that is the nature of addiciton. That voice is what separates the alcoholic from the non-alcoholic and the disease of addiction from the disease of diabetes. A diabetic is still able to 'hear' us and to consider us. A daibetic is still able to make a spousal relationship a priority. An alcoholic does not hear us - he hears the addiction. It calls him and it makes us the enemy. The voice of addiction takes them in the opposite direction. If they follow that voice, like an active addict does, it is the primary relationship. The spouse, the job, the kids, the home, all of it gets left behind. We have no control over that voice.