Originally Posted by
GWillikers 
Wait! Are you doing it now?? It noodles my brain up let a knot of spaghetti when I try to ponder these things! The sound of one hand clapping, trees in forests, ack!! I know it's supposed to clear your mind, but it just makes me start to obsess!
I try to think of the 'I' as the bigger 'I', to which we all belong. And I (little I) find that comforting. But that's not to say that I believe I should abandon my little vessel that navigates the big I just because it isn't the ALL of ALL. Isn't it important to be a whole and also a part simultaneously? Y'know, "to love someone else, you first have to learn to love yourself." That's an acknowledgement of the importance of 'self' within the bigger 'Self.'
During those brief periods of sobriety (or not being intoxicated, depending on the definition) I do feel like I am a part of something much larger, and taken care of in that respect. My flaws are part of a larger benevolence, and my obsession over "fixing" everything loosens up a bit. Then, when I'm using, I lose that connection, try to take the "feel-good" reigns into my own hands, surge chemicals into my brain in disregard of all for which I should be grateful that is provided in the greater Self, based on an obsession with making my self more comfortable.
Does any of that make sense? I really do appreciate the ability to be grateful when I'm sober. And it's almost impossible while I'm f'd up.
Everything you say makes perfect sense to me. I can't envision you smoking crack. You certainly don't sound like someone who would go that route.
For me, it doesn't matter whether I'm drinking or not. I can't feel a benevolent presence other than from my fellow humans and animals. I don't feel anything with insects or the flora in my body that my white blood cells are killing without my consent. Trees are pretty, but they don't know you from a hole in the wall. I'm not saying that there's a malevolent presence or that this world "belongs to the Devil," I just can't sense anything but indifference in terms of any sort of entity running the show.
Everything seems so mysterious and elusive in terms of the grand construct. I'm OK with just leaving it a mystery and saying,
'I don't know. People have been trying to explain it for as long as people have existed. There are conflicting theories, and I'm OK with not buying into any particular one.'
I'm not an atheist, because that's too dogmatic.
Ram Dass said that God is playing hide and seek. Make of that what you will.
All of this stuff aside, you are very articulate, and the thought of you resorting to crack is something I hope you can avoid. I tried meth twice and I could see it was a dead end street. I had withdrawals both times, even though the second time I only took one puff. I couldn't sleep to save my soul.
I had an Afghani friend who tried it, and in his thick accent, he said,
"you feel so good that even if you die you don't care."
I was really surprised with meth. I thought it was going to be "speedy" but instead I was totally relaxed and sociable. The comedown was horrible though. I would sell my mother into prostitution to be rid of that feeling.
I like your handle by the way.