I feel a bit the same. My XAH has refused to see his own kids on Xmas day despite him living quite close to us. I suspect it is because he has nothing to give them on Xmas and he will feel guilty. His mother, the kids grandmother, has sent the kids nothing. Their loss. My kids know who loves them through actions not empty promises.
XAH will spend Xmas with his drunky brother and his drunky enabler. They will post the "happy snaps" online - but I will know that the photos are lies and an illusion and that they are all wasted.
XAH told me the other night that he had given up pot and that he used alcohol and pot because I made him. I felt really sad that he would give up pot after I kicked him out when he refused to give it up for me. BUT - I know for a fact he saw his dealer yesterday therefore it was all just another LIE. He told me he worked until 7.30 pm and that was why he was unable to phone his kids - another LIE - he was off his face on alcohol and pot and his workplace closed at midday. LIES LIES LIES.
I refuse to be hurt by lies and illusions.