You DO deserve it. You are among friends - we've all been there. We're just like you. Please don't stop posting.
I drank for 30 yrs. I was in the same state as you when I finally quit for the last time. I was a wreck at home, but would show up for work every day - armed with my eyedrops, breath mints, perfume - thinking no one would know I had alcohol in my system 24/7. I even took it to work with me to sip on during the day - otherwise, I'd shake. Then I'd drive home in that condition. We are all in our own private hell until we reach out for help and friendship - the way you have. I hope you'll stay with us. There is life after alcohol, we promise.