ISOHumility

Tuesday night, my 16-year-old son snuck out of the house. I locked him out for 30 minutes, then texted him he could either come home or stay out and get to school on wednesday--that if he didn't come home and wasn't in school, i would call the police and he could deal with them. he came home, i gave him a drug test, and it was positive for THC.

wednesday, strum and drang in household. we were ready to send him to his father's but i backed down because he is doing well in this school and to move him now might disrupt that, and also because--really--i'm going to send my son away because he smokes pot? really?

i decided to try to live with the fact that my son smokes pot and give it over to god. my husband said he would talk to him--this happened on tuesday, and so far, no talk--and that our position would be that it's not okay to smoke pot in our home, but that we cannot control is behavior and that he would have to live with whatever consequences going forward. (this is no different from what was said after he came home from rehab in january.)

thursday, same thing.

friday, his best friend came over. i had said i would take them to the mall. i was in my room and they said they were ready. i opened my bedroom door and was blown away by the smell of pot.

all my alanon training evaporated. (haven't been going that long but go each week, read the literature, etc. no sponsor because there is no sponsor available but i have numbers.)

can you believe it, i took them to the mall? and let him sleep over the friends house? and now, my husband, who has no idea of any of this, is taking him to his girlfriend's house?

this is all me--i have learned nothing at alanon. and now, i am so angry i cannot see straight. i am angry at him for lying to my face this morning about it, and i am angry at myself because, despite my love for my son, i am a ****-poor parent. i am a ******* idiot. what the **** is wrong with me?

he went to hug me before he left, and i stepped out of his embrace. i do not want him to touch me--more manipulation, while all the while he despises me. he told me that he did not want to go to meetings, that he thought meetings were stupid, and he was only going to please me.

so i will not force him to go to meetings. i do not want to talk to him. i think i am going to go my husband's route--just don't talk to him. the less we talk, the less i have to listen to his lies. i want him to get good grades, do his chores, and not talk to me.

so much other stuff is affecting me too--the fact that i let my husband talk me into getting him a laptop when i didn't think he deserved one. the fact that his using puts me at risk--what if i get sued and lose my home for something he does while high? the fact that he lies, lies, lies, right to my face.

everything y'all talk about every day here.

i am on a dry drunk. i am having a tantrum--i have to get it out. i talked to my sponsor, who is also a member of alanon; called an alanon contact; will pray after i post this. but the fact is, i do not want to be around my son right now, do not want to talk to him, and i despise his lying. i have no respect for him at all.

and yet, i was drinking at 16. my parents never knew. the cops never came to my door. yes, i know he's a different person than me. he has adhd, but last night was the first day his med dosage had been upped, and it did not result in a good choice.

everyone smokes pot. my parents eat pot brownies (my 74-year-old dad loves pot, and it helps my mom's back.) my husband would smoke pot if he weren't subjected to random drug tests. my husband's daughter's baby daddy smoked it at a party we held for my husband's father last night. so my son smokes pot too. what's the big deal? i am wondering. maybe it's not so bad after all?

i am so confused. this is so overwhelming. i do not understand what i feel, or why i feel it. all i know is that i do not want to talk to my son for awhile.

if he's going to smoke pot, i want him not to do it in my house, and not come home high. i will not buy him cigarettes any more. i am not going out of my way to do anything for him, except take him to job interviews and meetings.

we've tried grounding him, taking away his electronics, everything you might suggest. i know the three c's. i know, i know, i KNOW, but i don't know beccause i am not living it right now. and i just have to get it out in a safe place. this is the only place i know.

there is nothing i can do but surrender and i am unable to do that at this moment. i do know that surrender is the only solution. sorry if this is garbled but i am so angry and in despair and so confused and waiting for someone at alanon to call me back.