I'm so sorry tjp.....I understand how you feel. It's so hard.......my fear was always that he wouldn't understand how much I love him. They do know how much we love them...even when they say they don't. They know that what we have to do is a consequence of their actions.
I won't be seeing my son on Christmas either. He is still in the 30 "no contact" time through Christmas at the SA-ARC. I have prayed long and hard to figure out if I should send him a card or anything.....and the "answer" I keep getting is "Let it be". So I'll get through it. I know in my heart that he knows in his heart that I love him dearly and Christmas (in the big scope of things) is just a day.
I hope that you can find acceptance in knowing that not being able to come to your house is a consequence of his actions......it is not a punishment.
much love and gentle hugs
ke