Hi MrsLamp...I know the feelings you are describing well. I too lived a lie for a long time. I had the yellowish eyes and my skin was taking on that pallor as well. It is truly exhausting. And you are right in saying "I can't keep this up much longer". Living in active addiction is horrible. The effort it takes to simply maintain...hanging on by a thread...it's just not sustainable. The good news is...you do not have to live like that anymore. You can be that strong woman you once were. Proud, happy, peaceful, free. It can be tough initially, but doable. I second involving your doctor.
So glad you are here.