it is 1:13am where I am as I type this, I am currently looking at a bottle of vodka and fighting the urge not to give to the same old routine of feeling numb then a passout - repeat etc.
Problem is at the moment I an boiling with anger as now I have to think about my past without the fake haze that alco provides, I am fighting with myself right now not to remove those feelings (temporarily) by going to the alco.
Then I think why bother? tomorrow I'll wake up (if I sleep at all), no job, no friends, social anxiety that even going out for a walk to the park/cinema or something actually is not an option for me. Victim of daily verbal harassment by the local thugs which the police seem to be to dumb to get stopped for the last 2.5 years, and then I get the criminal record when I go out and give the trash a little "justice"
My father just recently died suddenely so there is grief as well to deal with.
I have mass amounts of valium/dieazepam I could turn to that could be a standin for the effects of alco - but that is just trading one demon for another.
I have been trying to distract myself by other methods that is the only possible solution I can think up.
3 options currently to me:
Drink
Take the pills
Sit here in the dark brooding and fighting with myself
Then I suspect the alco withdrawal effects are slowly sneaking in as I feel slightly shaky in the hands at the moment, if I get that severe insomnia again I AM drinking.. 3 days of 24/7 hour no sleep again? no thanks.
